The ticket Jeff Steward gave me was
close, Bob Uecker close--front-row, stage left. I sit down, I'm tired from not sleeping the night before. There's a list of the categories and nominees. [b/]It's exensive. For the casual raincoater this requires some research. There are verious other people sitting there by the time the lights go dim, some I recognize.
Jim Norton is one. Jim can run some shit, he was on Colin Quinn's last failure "Tough Crowd." Again, I recognize 3 attractive female faces, but can only put a name with one of them, Hillary Scott. I've glanced at all of them and am rifling though my brain to see if I can come up with something. Nope! The AVN ticket said "cocktail attire." I won't go into the himbos' collective response because I don't have enough Tums for it. The women took it fairly well. There are fewer than I expected who interpreted "cocktail attire" as
"reveal as much to look like the sluttiest skank possible without getting arrested."
Up comes Greg Fitzsimmons. I've never heard him before, but he's OK--Norm MacDonald with better material and a quicker delivery. Obviously all the jokes are about porn. The insiders laugh at some, and are eerily silent at others. No one realizes that the humor in porn is the best-kept secret. I guess that makes
Jonathan Morgan the George Soros of smut. Jesse Jane has sometimes been accused of being limp in bed, a Y2K Savannah. Since the average life of a whore is 3-4 years, this must have been one of porn's Triple Witching days, 'cause the teleprompt mistakes are priceless.
There was indeed an ensuing double love-in for Janine and "Pirates." Since when does throwing tons of cash at porn ever make it any better? The best porn has always been about making more with less, kind of like the Oakland A's. Later I'll write about a stupid article in the AEE Expo Guide about how a mysterious "ex-Wall Street banker" (read: under NASD lifetime suspension) who will help bring in $100 billion in investment capital into porn. Yeah, a tenth of a trillion dollars. You people are drinking your own Kool Aide. If I had that budget, I'd call up Grip Johnson and have a 600-hour version of "Donkey Punch" ready for the presses. As much money as necessary would be thrown at a few of my favorite whores: one being Ava Devine. What a fuckin' trash-talker.
Anyway, the love-in progresses over to Janine, who says she's so touched (cue tears) by this outpouring of love. You know what would trigger an outpouring of love from me--get on with your life. You proved you are hot and daring, why do you need a porn redux? It's sad to find a boxer with the "1000-yard stare" noted elsewhere on XPT. Mainly because she
was a champ, and faded. Rob Black is next up to cry crocodile tears. Not being "in porn," I know enough lawyers who opine Rob's aggressive stance is probably the worst thing for the industry; maybe take one for the team. No one wants to hear it, but listen to Mark Grace on
"slumpbusting." Savanna Samson is the last and arguably the worst. What an ugly brew of emotions this must be. This beuatiful whore has been in porn for almost 5 years now. And getting up on the dais, she thanks, well obviously not Mom and Dad...she thanks the very people she should be avoiding, her coworkers. Savanna, quit drinking that wine. You know more than 3/4 of those in attendance would pay double if you suddenly went from "Kiss Me Stupid" to "Cum-Filled Asshole Overload 57." And you're thanking them because your family doesn't approve? Whore Memo 2: Porn people's love is no substitute for your own blood. Fix that fence if you can.
Finally comes the one moment I've wanted to see--towards which whore will Cytherea shit her meth-induced vitriol. Nice lip implants, Cy. I really don't know much about McKenzie Lee, other than a lot of people share my thought. My hoped Cytherea/Jenaveve Joli whore fight will not come to pass. Although I did learn one thing: how to pronounce Cytherea (sigh-THEER-ee-ya), and I quickly start to reform Louis Armstrong's "When The Saints Go Marchin' In" along the lines of the
Cheers episode where Coach helps Sam get a GED by teaching him geography...
Albania, Albania...
You border on the Ad...ri...atic
Cytherea, Cytherea...
____________________________. ( you finish it. By now I know Hillary Scott has been hosed, and I take my leave.
If you ever act on anything I've said so far...find (preferably for free) the video interludes with Randy Spears. Randy's been around for a long time, and has some legitimate acting ability. Personally, if his dick never showed up in porn again I wouldn't care, but he's got a knack for the self-deprecating Everyman, and that counts for something. The setup is simple...technophobe Spears gets his first DVD and hits "play." On come a variety of whores tempting Randy into several rather unwholesome acts:
Thumb in ass with Stormy Daniels (no...not her ass): NOOOSIRREEEE
Gag Factor 267: Randy Spears anda largemouth bass: YESSSSSSSS
Hunting the Bukkake Rooster 2: Randy sodomizes a broiler-ready Tyson hen...YESSSSS
One-Guy Cream Pie 1: Randy Spears and banana cream. YESSSSS
It get my AVN Award: Best Poultry-Themed Porn. Last year's award went to
Hunting the Bukkake Rooster. 
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